A brief glance at today’s religions will quickly tell you that something is amiss.
Despite years of improvement through healthy competition and lively debate it is clear that no single religion is in the majority. They are often mutually exclusive too – join one and you’re pretty much forbidden from joining the others, despite great similarities between many of them. If you’re a fan of a religion the odds of your being in the right are sadly stacked against you.
It’s rarely mentioned in polite company but there’s also the problem that, under close scrutiny, many of them don’t entirely make sense. People often stare at their shoes when asked how the Holy Trinity is supposed to be one person and three people at the same time. A quick change of subject is often the result of asking what Brahman has for breakfast that allows him or them to be everything at once. There may be criticisms of Taoism if anyone ever manages to figure it out, and it’s not worth even attempting to address Scientology here. Apparently any seeming lack of reason is not frowned upon as one might think but is in fact perfectly acceptable and even expected.
Furthermore many religious people are obliged to obsessively obey and enforce often vague, harsh and restrictive rules until one or all of said rules prove too inconvenient. This will then necessitate the invention of a slightly different spinoff religion with all the attendant heartache and paperwork, a new religion which usually still demands the same inflexible and dogmatic approach to its regulations. The life of the devout is obviously not an easy one.
A solution is clearly needed, and that solution is Mu, the Universal Religion! Mu:
Contains all possible beliefs
Zoroastrian? Wiccan? Pastafarian? No matter what your conviction Mu caters for it! Mu believes in absolutely everything, including all the things that completely contradict each other. Keep all the benefits of your current religion and get all the new ones too, vastly improving your chances of getting whatever reward you think you’re going to get from being religious in the first place!
Contains all impossible beliefs
Not sure what you believe? Not religious at all? Stopped reading this some time ago? No matter! Core to the philosophy of Mu are all beliefs that don’t and can’t exist, don’t make any sense or aren’t even beliefs, including the exact opposites of those outlined here!
Permits everything
Tired of how restrictive your religion’s rules are? No problem, Mu lets you indulge in any and all of your disgusting whims, no matter how depraved, bestial and unnecessary they are, as long as you remember that Mu also…
Forbids everything
Mu is painfully aware that the warped and evil commandments of ways of life other than yours are beyond the pale. Join Mu and the followers of these pernicious lies will finally admit what they always knew to be true but cruelly hid from you out of spite and self-loathing – that your judgement is flawless, and their warped ideas of right and wrong will soon receive the public condemnation they richly deserve.
Approves of everything
Even when the rules allow, many people worry that permitting themselves even the simplest of pleasures can be somehow self-indulgent or feeble-minded. With Mu you can rest assured that your harmless little psychotic drug-induced mass gimping frenzies are mere charming foibles. In fact Mu thinks the world would be a gloomier place without them. However the same does not apply to the demented acts of all the irritating bastards around you, because Mu…
Disapproves of everything
The outrageous moral decay of the pointless morons that constantly harangue you with their worthless ninth-rate opinions and timewasting drivel is beyond even Mu’s more than infinite tolerance. Rest assured that all those friends, neighbours and enemies that seem to dedicate their efforts to pointing out what a feckless dimwit you are have not escaped Mu’s gaze. Their punishment will be as painful as it is limitless.*
Yes, there is no doubt about it, Mu is the religion for you. With only a minimum of effort you can and will be appointed to the very highest rank of Mu’s clergy, making you the greatest being that has ever lived or will ever live, striding the world like a colossus, with all existence yours to command! Absolutely no action at all is required on your part, so don’t delay – do nothing today!
* Which is to say, not at all painful and not in the least bit limitless.